| Reprinted From Golden Drum 18 |
| By : ASHISH | Previous | Next |
| Posted on : 10 Sep, 2006 | Total Views : 199 |
A Beautiful Challenge
For three years, Amritavajra has been living with the knowledge that he is ‘HIV Positive’. How?
About two-and-a-half years ago I went for what is known as an AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) test. The two weeks spent waiting for the results to come through seemed to last for ever. Each night I had nightmarish dreams in which I was diagnosed as terminally ill, and I swung between believing that I had been infected and believing that it couldn’t possibly happen to me. During the last few days before I received the result, however, I was convinced that I had come into contact with HIV (Human Immuno-deficiency Virus). Nevertheless, when the result came back ‘positive’ I was devastated. For the first week or so I was completely numb. Life seemed to be flat and two-dimensional. Then the tears came. I was convinced I was going to die.
At that time I was alone in a new city, living in a cheap bed-sitting room, estranged from my parents and family and without any friends. It was the only time in my life when I have seriously considered suicide. Now, however, two- and-a-half years later, I am still healthy and I am happier than ever. My life is rich, varied, and on the whole is becoming more and more deeply satisfying. A lot of my happiness comes from my practice of Buddhism. It is through practising the Dharma that I am learning to accept the fact that one day I will become seriously ill and die. Paradoxically, since my diagnosis, I have become more truly alive.
I can’t be exactly sure when I became infected with the virus, but it must have been between five and seven years ago. At that point in my life I was an angry and confused young man, and my experience of life was pretty terrible. I was drinking heavily and using all kinds of drugs to help me escape from the meaninglessness of my existence. One of the drugs I experimented with was heroin. At this time no one had ever heard of AIDS — except as an ugly rumour — and nobody I knew took any notice of it. I guess that is why I was so reckless in my behaviour; I had no idea of the consequences. At that time no one did.
About two years later (1985), AIDS exploded into media consciousness. All the newspapers carried stories about a ‘deadly killer disease’. It was a period of paranoia and grossly uninformed prejudice. I was acutely aware that I may have come into contact with the virus and decided to go for a test. I was twenty-four years old. By this time I had come across the Dharma, and my drug and alcohol abuse had fallen away-to be replaced by a daily meditation practice and a full-time degree course in Literature and Philosophy.
Nevertheless, it has not been easy. Looking back at the first year after my diagnosis, I had an incredibly difficult time. I felt painfully alone and unable to communicate my experience to anybody. In that first year I asked to become a mitra and moved into the community at the Bristol Buddhist Centre.
It was during this initial period after my diagnosis that I decided to go for Refuge and ask for ordination. I had quite some insight into the First Noble Truth. For the first time in my life I was intensely confronted by the fact of my mortality. Of course I already knew that I was going to die, but I had never really felt it except on the rare occasion. At this time I could feel nothing else. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that I would eventually get ill and die. This feeling permeated all the different aspects of my life, from catching a bus to college to eating a meal at home. It would manifest in different ways, such as an increased awareness of old people and of the large numbers of the sick and handicapped. I was also acutely aware of my body and my health. As soon as I woke up in the morning my first thought was, ‘Am I still well?’. Every time I had a cold I thought that this was the beginning of the end, or every time I had a mouth ulcer I was worried that it may be oral cancer. I was acutely aware of how frail our human bodies are, and how easily they become damaged and sick. I looked around in amazement at how much people, especially young people, take their health for granted. I had been given a unique insight into the ‘human condition’, but it was both scary and painful because I felt vulnerable and isolated.
In my heart I felt that the only thing I could do was to go for Refuge to the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. I could quite clearly see the Truth of impermanence at work, and I could also see the futility of other forms of refuge, so it felt quite natural to want to ask for ordination and take my practice of Buddhism much further. It was the only thing which made sense and offered me the opportunity to respond creatively to my situation. I felt that if I could respond creatively and take control it would benefit me enormously by improving the quality of my life, and by taking responsibility I would not fall into the passive role of the victim. It can be extremely undermining to your confidence and life direction to be faced with a potentially terminal illness. There is a strength to be drawn upon if one has an overall direction and context for one’s life which can carry one through even apparently insurmountable difficulties. My direction comes from my Buddhist practice and my attempts to move towards the Enlightened state. Even if I do not reach my goal by the time I die it does not really matter: what seems important now is the question of how I have lived my life. Some people live very long lives and some people live very short lives, but what is most important is how they live their lives. ‘Live beautifully’ is an ancient Zen maxim.
The practice of meditation has played a very important part in my coming to terms with my diagnosis. Meditation is about making direct changes to one’s being and, in my experience, is the most effective means of self-transformation. Meditation has helped me enormously by making me become stronger and more accepting of myself. Through my meditation practice I have learnt to relax more deeply and to work with my fear and anxiety. Since I have been diagnosed I have developed great faith in the efficacy of meditation practice, and would unreservedly recommend it to anyone who is facing a life-threatening illness. Meditation has played a large part in helping me come to terms with the fact that I have become infected with a potentially lethal disease.
Another important factor which enables me to cope with my diagnosis is my friendships. AIDS and HIV infection can be a very isolating disease. Many people in the modern world are lonely and are starved of deep and effective communication with others, but when you are diagnosed with a disease like HIV you are forced to become aware of exactly how isolated you actually are. Because the disease is still a very taboo subject in large areas of society, it is very easy to feel ostracized and alienated from the community. To some extent I have managed to deal with these feelings of isolation and intense aloneness by forming deep and satisfying friendships. And it is my experience that these friendships can only form to the extent that you share the same vision and are committed to that vision. This is the case in the Sangha, where friendship, especially spiritual friendship, is presented as the guiding principle of spiritual development. I don’t think it is possible ever to over-estimate the importance of friendship. Without it I feel I would have given up a long time ago. Real friendship is both nourishing and healing. Happiness is impossible without it. My friends help me on all sorts of levels, from asking me how I am, to taking an active interest in my health, and coming down to the hospital with me when I go for a check-up. Perhaps the most important way in which my friends help is simply by asking me how I am and having the care and attention to listen to my answer.
Recently a friend of mine died of AIDS . I was not there, but by all accounts it was a difficult death. He was in a lot of pain right up to the end. From what I heard, it seems that he was not ready to die, not ready to let go, but was being forcibly ‘evicted’ from his body. One of the benefits of being HIV antibody positive is that I can see the importance of preparation for death. None of us is immune from death, so we are faced with the choice either to respond creatively to death, or to attempt to ignore its inevitability. We can ignore it to the extent that we ignore ourselves and value ignorance, or we can respond creatively by practising the Dharma and living a truly spiritual life.
The beauty of living with HIV and AIDS is that it is a challenge. When faced with a potentially painful and terminal disease one has to grow spiritually in order to be able to cope with it. I see many others whose coping tactics are based on a refusal to accept that there is something wrong. This is not a healthy stance because it is based on a lie; it always results in pain and confusion. I am extremely grateful that I have had the good fortune to come across the Dharma at a time when I was receptive and needed it most. I am grateful that there is a Sangha which is supportive and encourages me in my struggle to come to terms with my condition. At the end of the day, however, I am no different to any of you. We are all in the same situation, in that each and every one of us will have to face our death at some point in the future. Being infected with HIV only means that I have had to come to terms with death sooner than perhaps some of you.
