Business Jokes

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The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

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Business Slogans

SUPER BUSINESS SLOGANS, PART I

Local ad for a plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?"

At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

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Your Tax Dollars

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil.

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Fairest Tax?

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

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Corporate America

You know you work in Corporate America if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.

You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

Communication is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

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Corporate America at Its Best

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

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Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

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Manager Memos

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

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Calling in Sick

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

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Name Themes

Ever notice a theme in company names?

If it's a single somewhat aristocratic sounding name such as "Bogglesworth of London, Est. 1793", they're most likely a tea, coffee, or wine importer.

If it's two names, such as Gilchrist & Soames or Avalon & Gray, they seem to deal with soap, skin care, or clothing products.

If it's three names, it's an insurance firm or small law firm.

If it's four names, it's an upper tier law firm.

If it's five names, it's a small law firm that's merged with a soap company.