Business Jokes

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Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
one boy: In 3 months

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"I have some bad news," said the doctor, handing the results of a number of costly tests to his patient. "I give you six months to live." "But I don't have any insurance!" gasped the patient. "How can I afford to pay you in time?" "All right," soothed the physician. "Let's say nine months then."

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A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray...........

"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto".Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue.....................
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes
and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple..................
"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often
ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can
get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open
and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:
"SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".

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10. A chain of "Bhaskar-RaoBins" ice cream stores all over the country,
in collaboration with Baskin Robins.

9. Kraft will make "PARAMESAN CHEESE" at Madras, in collaboration with
Parameswaran & Co.

8. Kentucky Fried Chicken will open its chain of Indian version, to be
named, "KARNATAKI FLY-ED CHICKEN" and will be headquartered at Bangalore.

7. Pizza Hut will open a chain, in the back alleys of all cities, its
version, to be named:"PICHHE HUT". Headquarters: Kanpur. PICHHE =
means back-alleys for the uneducated

6. McDonalds will open its fast food restaurants to be named:
"McDosalu". Hqs. Hyderabad. Main menu: Idli and Dosa.

5. Mr. Submarine will name its restaurants as "Mr. SUBRAMANI", to be
headquartered at Madras.

4. Red Carpets coloured with biodegradable (hence environmentally
friendly) red PAAN. Juice extracts will enjoy duty-free status in US.

3. Dallas Cowboys will own a new franchise: Dilli's COW-BHAIS, to teach
Indians how to play Football.... with hands.

2. Duty-free import of Ambassador cars into USA, as long as they are not
used outside of Demolition Derby.

1. Internal Revenue Service will provide technology transfer of its Tax
System software to Indian Income Tax Dept and to be named: "UNCLE SHYAM".

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Laloo's Son Marriage

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son.

Laloo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I want to choose my own bride".
Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...... Yes"

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani
Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case.......Yes."

This is how business is done!!!

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Buying a chainsaw
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

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The crowded store
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

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Fight competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

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Stock market report
Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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Corporate lingo list
Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you+-

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:

We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:

If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I AM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I AM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:

I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:

I blame others for my mistakes.

I AM PERSONABLE:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

I AM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:

I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:

I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:

I'm never at my desk.