Computer And Web Jokes

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A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.

However he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,

Somewhere a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her mail,

Expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th Oct 2006

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was..!

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If Guru Dutt had been a software consultant in the US.
(The following should be sung to the tune of an old Hindi classic song sung by late Mohammed Rafi. "Yeh Duniya agar mil bhi jayaye to kya hai...")
YEH DOCUMENT, YEH MEETINGS, YEH FEATURES KI DUNIYA
YEH INSAAN KE DUSHMAN, CURSORS KI DUNIYA
YEH DEADLINES KE BHOOKE, MANAGEMENT KI DUNIYA
YEH PRODUCT AGAR BAN BHI JAAYE TO KYA HAI?
YAHAAN EK KHILONA HAI PROGRAMMER KI HASTI
YEH BASTI HAI MURDA BUG-FIXERS KI BASTI
YAHAAN PAR TO RAISES HAI, INFLATION SE SASTI
YEH REVIEW AGAR HO BHI JAAYE TO KYA HAI?
HAR EK KEYBOARD GHAYAL, HAR EK LOGIN PYAASI
EXCEL MEIN ULJHAN, WINWORD MEIN UDAASI
YEH OFFICE HAI YA AALAME MICROSOFT KI
YEH RELEASE AGAR HO BHI JAAYE TO KYA HAI?
JALAA DO ISE, PHOONK DO YEH MONITOR
MERE SAAMNE SE HATAA DO YEH MODEM
TUMAHAARA HAI TUMHI SAMBHAALO YE COMPUTER
YEH PRODUCT AGAR CHAL BHI JAAYE TO KYA HAI?

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Bill Gates was in India a few days ago. He announced that Microsoft plans to release a Windows 2000 version in Hindi and it will be called Khidkiyan 2000.
Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in Khidkiyan 2000.
1. Phaail = File.
2. Bachao = Save.
3. Aise Bachao = Save As.
4. Subko Bachao = Save All.
5. Mujhe Bachao = Help.
6. Chuno = Select.
7. Sab Chuno = Select All.
8. Dhoondo = Find.
9. Phirse Dhoondo = Find Again.
10. Hilao = Move.
11. Daak = Mail.
12. Daakiya = Mailer.
13. Paas se dhekho = Zoom.
14. Kholo = Open.
15. Band Karo = Close.
16. Naya = New.
17. Badli karo = Replace.
18. Bhaago = Run.
19. Chhaapo = Print.
20. Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview.
21. Nakal = Copy.
22. Kaato = Cut.
23. Chipkao = Paste.
24. Ispesal Chipkao = Paste Special.
25. Goli Maaro = Delete.
26. Nazaara = View.
27. Auzaar = Tools.
28. Auzaar ka dabba = Toolbar.
29. Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet.
30. Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database.
31. Ghusao = Insert.
32. Ped = Tree.
33. Thooso = Compress.
34. Chooha = Mouse.
35. Tik-Tik Karo = Click.
36. Idhar-se-Udhar. Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar.
37. Chal Phoot = Exit.

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What if the I.T. industry starts producing movies? Here are some newer movie titles:-
1. Login Karo Sajana.
2. Haan Maine Bhi Debug Kiya.
3. Shaheed Hacker Singh.
3. Password De Ke Dekho.
4. Mr. Network Lal.
5. Terminal Sajaa ke Rakhna.
6. Hackers Ka Raja, Debuggers Ki Rani.
7. Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Karta.
8. Phir Teri Java-script Yaad Aayi.
9. Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!

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An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised her hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computer should definitely be referred to as feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

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Mustan enters a store that sell curtains.

He tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assured him that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed him several patterns, but Mustan seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains he needed.

Mustan replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

Mustan tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, sir, computers do not have curtains!"

Santa says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

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If you Dont Eat Paan,
Dont Smoke,
Dont Drink,
Dont Have a girl Friend,
Dont Play Cards,
No Late Nights.
Then Visit Our site www.Paida Kyun Hue.Com.

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Height of technical thinking:

A software person falling from the roof of the building and shouting

F1



F1


F1


instead of help, help!!

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Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Drinking 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golf 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background While attempting to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User (SEE REPLY BELOW)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem about which men are complaining. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under:
"Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support".
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Pay Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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A Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails:

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2004 & 2005. Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.

* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.

* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh Vandana, Tirupathi Balaji pics etc.. now most of those 'Wishes' are already married(to someone else)