Computer And Web Jokes

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Dear Ms. ABC,

Baby, I 'v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I 'v been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now.

My life is just an uncompiled program without you which never produces a executable code and hence is useless. Your smile is so delightful which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.

With this letter, I just want to convey you that, if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for human being to live a error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.

I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.

Only yours,

XYZ

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Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'

Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'

Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else's girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'

Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved!'

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'

Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'

Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'

Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'

Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'

Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace!'

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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.

She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and the PC went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

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Bhola and Herolal are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.
One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Herolal being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Bhola is struggling very hard to lift his computer.

At this Herolal says,
"What Bhola, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and urs has just 250, even then u cannot lift it ???"
At this Bhola thinks for a while and replies,
"Thats right, but my HardDisk is full and urs is empty"

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You *know* you're in trouble when they say #19.

Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do not work

20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something wrong in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but I havn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it work?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

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How do you know you're spending too much time with your computer:

You wake up at seven, save your life and continue sleeping thinking you'll wake up at ten and then continue from the saved state.

When you press a wrong button in the lift you try to find the Undo button and when you can't find it you are amazed about the poor user interface.

When writing a letter you write \n in the end of each line. You've cut yourself while writing a program and before finding the first aid kit you first start the compilation.

You try to reboot yourself in the morning.

When reading a book you hit the SPACE key to turn page. When you close a window your fingers automatically go to ALT-F4 position.

You write your cheques in hex.

When talking about round numbers you mean 0, 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, ...

When the alarm clock goes off in the morning you do kill -9

You try to move a window to the background and you eventually notice it's actually a Post-It sticker.

The last thought when falling asleep is "Shutdown completed". When having a mental breakdown you complain that your storage unit is fragmented.

In train you watch the landscape scrolling by.

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For those who have worked with UNIX, you've no doubt seen the various lists of "funny" responses from unix when you misenter "appropriate"mistakes...
here is yet another such list.

% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% ar t God
ar: God does not exist

% ar r God
ar: creating God

% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

/* not csh but sh */
$ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

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An old man was sitting in a park reading the book "Learn C in 21 days".

A passer by saw him and asked "You are such an old guy, why do you bother to learn C?"

"I have heard that now communication language at heaven is only C , so after my death when I will be in heaven, I don't want to face communication problem." old man replied.

"But how come are U so sure that U will be in heaven? It could be hell also." he asked.

"Ya, doesn't matter .... I already know Java".

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Future Movies in Bollywood's IT world
* Aao chat kare
* Programmer no 1
* Aaj ka body shopper
* Programmer,recruiter aur bodyshoper
* Badalate platforms
* Kahani Keyboard ki
* Mera hardisk tumhare paas hai
* Memory aur hard disk
* H1 ko aane do
* Mouse ka gulam
* Java wale job le jayenge
* Skill apana apana
* Hum aapke meomory mein rahate hain
* Do pocessor barah terminal
* Password Apana Apana
* Hum Hai Programmer Oracle ke
* Ek programmer do body shopper
* H1 se Citizenship tak
* Mera code chal gaya
* Har Din jo mail Karega
* Mera Resume Kora kagaj
* Khel Virus ka
* Virus Aur Antivirus
* Programmer bane Bodyshopper
* Network Ke Ush Paar
* Billing aur Salary
* Platform platform ki baat hai
* Anjaana Bug
* Programmer Chahta Hai

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HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM woman: She forgets about you the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET woman: Difficult to access.

SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS woman: Also known as "wife" when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.