Computer And Web Jokes

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E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

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A more modern version of the binding of Isaac

And it came to pass after these things that G-d did test Avraham. And He said to him "Avraham!"

And Avraham replied "Hineni - here I am."

And He said, "Take your computer, your old computer, your 286, and install upon it an operating system, a new operating system, Windows 95, which I will show to you."

And Avraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass. He loaded his computer, his old computer, his 286, on the ass. And he took two of his young men with him and Yitzchak his son. And he rose up and went to the place where G-d had told him, there to find Windows 95.

Then, on the third day, Avraham lifted his eyes and saw Windows 95 from afar. And Avraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the ass; and I and the lad will go yonder and load Windows 95 on our 286, and come again to you."

And Avraham took his computer his old computer, his 286, and laid it on Yitzchak his son. And they went both of them together.

And Yitzchak spoke to Avraham his father and said, "My father." And he replied, "Hineni - Here I am, my son." And Yitzchak said, "Windows 95 requires far more memory than a 286 has. How will it possibly run on your machine?"

And Avraham looked at his son, his only son, whom he loved; and he shook his head slowly, and in perfect faith and with unswerving trust and belief in the Almighty, he said:

"Fear not, Yitzchak my son, . . . . God will provide the RAM."

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Online Banking

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

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DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

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If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

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The height of net


HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email tosomeone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by some one in thereceiving chain. HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails tocommunicate with each other. HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.

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Letter from a manager leading Y2k Project
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We havegone through everyline of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives,and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we havecompleted the 'Y-to-K' date change mission, and have now implemented all changesto all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October,November, December. As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this 'Y to K'problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, andour team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do youthink we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?We'll await your direction. Very Sincerely, Manager. Y-to-K Project leader.

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Password


One day one men was tapping away on his homecomputer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy'spassword! I know Daddy's password!' 'What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, 'Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!'

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Shiva and Win2K


Why are shiva and parvathi unable to use thecomputer running on Windows 2000? B'coz Ganesha ran away with the Mouse.

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New Program needed


A computer illeterate guy rings tech support toreport that his computer is faulty. Following is the converation: Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech getsabsolutely frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is anundocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. 10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE.Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let meknow how it goes. 1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he startedasking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.