Computer And Web Jokes

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Computer crazy Children


You Know Your Children Are Computer Crazy When ... all communication has to go through the screen. ... they take it to bed with them. ... you catch them feeding Sonic bread and milk. ... they're disappointed when the pet mouse you give them has fur. ... they ask what sort of computers the cavemen had. ... you can't understand a word of their friends' conversations. ... they hate going to the beach because there is no power point. ... you wish you had never bought them the blasted thing in the first place.

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An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And a floppy disk was something Terribly wrong in your back. Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

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The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for a new version of Windows 2000:
1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6.Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9.Windows message: 'Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)'
10.This is a message from God Gates: 'Rebooting the world. Please log off.'
11.To 'shut down' your system, type 'WIN.' 12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - 'Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)'
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

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If Microsoft had built cars


1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
5. Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy to drive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'ERROR' warning light.
8. New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.
9. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a 'Car95' or a 'CarNT.' But, then you'd have to buy more seats.
10. The airbag system would say, 'Are you sure?' before going off.

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INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of.

POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.

MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.

MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in 'self-defense.'

CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt. NEW

ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the 'Tricky Dick Virus.' You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.

ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

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The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?

8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.

2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.

1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

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The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

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Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

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Top Ten Ways You Know You Are A Desi Engineer


10. You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
9. You're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games.
8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tires.
7. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
6. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
5. Your IQ is lower than your weight.
4. You stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
3. You can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
2. Your wife hasn't got the foggiest idea what you do at work.
1. You introduce your wife as mylady@wife.home.

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BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."