Computer And Web Jokes

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Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

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About Bill gates of Microsoft (modified version of dil to pagal hai)

Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....
ache bure softwares banvata hain yahi,
hasata he yahi, rulata hain,
usme phir 'bugs' dalta hain wohi,
aur solutions bhi nikalta hain,
Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

para 1 (by some wise people of software industry)

iss Bill ki bato mein jo aate hain,
woto oolu ban jatte hain,
software to dusare bhi banate hain,
banake magar kho jate hain,
hmmm Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

para 2 (majority of indian software industry)

softwares ko main na pehchanoongi,
working bhi na mein uska janoongi,
microsoft ka logo bass mein dekhoongi,
Bill jo kahega wohi manoongi.
Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

para 3 (judges of the software industry)

Bill ka kehna hum sab maane,
Bill na kisi ki maane,
uski strategy jaan li hamne,
ek wohi na maane.
Bill to pagal hain.......
Bill deewana hain.....

para 4 (some people who found bugs and are snatchin hair)

chodo ye Bill sab kahaniya,
'bugs' ki hain sab nishaniya,
programmers ki sari pareshaniya,
iss Bill ki hain ye meherbaniya.
hmmm Bill to pagal hain bill deewana hain...

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Both are s/w engrs by the way and both work for real
big MNC's

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Heroin: VGM...Day is going good and it got better
having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honored, u know what, my day starts
only when I find you on Chat

Heroin: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right
back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes
to his seat.)

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah
tell me

Manager: Could u write a program for me which
generates nth prime number,Given value of n. Would you
give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is
it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves
the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting
impatiently for heroin to Arrive.
All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat
window...)

Heroin: Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, she's
kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give
me stupid work

Heroin: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl
these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Heroin: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Heroin: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print
nth prime Number, given N.
Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz.
You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur
mail in an hour from now.ok?

Heroin: THAT WAS THE SAMETHING I ASKED U WHEN I CAME
TO YOUR WORK PLACE. YOU KNOW WHO I AM NOW!!
YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying "You've Got Mail."

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It's sometimes easy to forget how easily email technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
PS. Sure is hot down here.

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A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.
The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Now, you decide what to call a Computer...

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For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

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How an IT guy spends time........

ONE DAY AT THE I.T. INDUSTRY

7:00 Wake up. Decide to do some really path-breaking work today.
9:00 Reach office. Sign in. Switch on terminal.
9:05 Check mail.
9:15 Start replying to accumulated mail." I really hate being popular."
9:40 Send mail to occupant of next to next cubicle. " Taking in the new movie tonight ?"
9:45 Log into CyberSpace / M-Net / whatever.
9:50 Start searching. There must be some girls logged in.
10:05 Ask a girl for a date.
10:10 Refusal!! Heartbroken.
10:20 Recover equilibrium. Search for coffee. Anybody going to cafetaria ?
10:50 Back at desk. Decide to really start working now.
11:00 Realize that the required manual is in the library. Will have to withdraw it.
11:15 The spare library card was here somewhere. Where is it ?
11:30 Give up on library card search as a bad job. Of course I can do the stuff without the manuals.
12:45 Something written. Should get compiled.
12:46 How can 40 lines of code give 283 lines of error ? Must be some typographical mistake. Will check it after lunch.
13:15 The food was really good today. Why don't they make this
14:05 OK. Now the hard part comes. Do I debug the code or filch somebody else's library card ?
14:06 Looked over the cubicle. Chap in next cubicle has almost completed his module. Homicidial thoughts.
14:15 No, I should really do something about it. Start debugging the code.
17:45 Continuous GPFs. It would have been easier to kill the chap.
17:50 Take a break. Recurrent daydream : "Why are blonde girls so pretty ? "
18:05 Start Netsurfing. Search for Sharon Stone.
18:15 Found the location. Start downloading the pictures.
18:20 No space. Save it in the server ?
18:21 Do I dare to do it ? OK, what the hell, DO IT!!
18:35 Start experimenting with fonts, cursors and prompts. God, I was really made for this stuff !
19:25 Where is everybody ? Finger !
19:30 Time to pack up and go to the movie.
23:50 Back from the movie. Consider today a day well spent. Long live the I.T. industry.
0:00 Turn in for the night. Resolve to do some really path-breaking work tomorrow.

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Never write a line of code that someone else can understand.

Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counterintuitive names. Don't ever code "a=b", rather do something like
AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

Type fast think slow.

Never use direct references to anything ever. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference those include files.

Never include a comment that will help someone else understand your code. If they understand it, they don't need you.

Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources.

Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't need you.

Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

Never discuss things in concrete terms. Always speak in abstract. If they can understand you, they don't need you.

Never complete project on time. If you do they will think it was easy and anyone can do it and they don't need you.

When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever but don't answer the question. If they get their questions answered they don't need you.

Load all sentences either written or spoken with alphabet soup.

When someone asks you out to lunch, reply:
I can't because I've almost got my RISC based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX using SMTP ove TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3 BSD with release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working.

Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

Never say hello to someone in hallway. Absolutely never address someone by name. If you must address someone by name, mumble or use the wrong name. Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out from concentrating on complex logic.

Never wear a shirt that matches your pants. Wear a wrinkled short whenever possible. Your shirt never be tucked in completely. Button the top button without wearing a tie. This will maximize your "nerd" mystique.

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Husband : (Returning from work) "Morning dear, I'm now logged in "
Wife : Have you brought the ring?
Husband : Bad Command or file name.
Wife : But I had told you in the morn......
Husband : Erraneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my diwali saree?
Husband : Variable not found...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters.
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: A true case of datatype mismatch.