Government Jokes

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A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain afterwards why it didn't happen.

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Finding the approval ratings for unemployment

For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.

They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.

Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.

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Euthanasia

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else."

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The Clintons

Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets re-elected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies.

If Bill out-lives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary out-lives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that? WE DO!

It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense.

Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.

The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's
salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff - and, this is all perfectly legal!

The joke is on us!

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One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Bholaji. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"

Well, Bholaji," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

At this moment in time," says Bholaji after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Herolal, my next door neighbor Pyarelal and the entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"

Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word."

OK," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Bholaji calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Bholaji?" Bill asks.

Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Chacha's tractor from the farm."

Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."

"I'll be dogged!" says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team has joined us as well!"

Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh cripes," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Bholaji, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."

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Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Name of Candidate : _______________________

2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________

3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)

4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Mayawati

5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)

10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No

14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)

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Laloo Yadav's car is driving along a back country road on the way back
to Patna, when all of a sudden a piglet jumps out in front of the car.
The piglet dies on the spot. Laloo, upset, tells the chauffeur to go
find the owner of the piglet so that he can pay the damages.
The driver is gone for two hours and when he comes back, he has a bag
full of money, and a wondering look on his face.Laloo wants to know whathappened.

The driver tells him "Hum jab gaanv me pahuncha to dekha kuchh log ped ke niche baithe hain. Jub hum unko bataya ki ka hua hai, tab sara log jama ho gaya. Humko laga ki aaj to hamra pitayee hoga. Par hum ka dekhta hoon ki sara log paisa jamaa kar raha hain. Hum socha ki ye sara piasa wo janvar ka malik ka liye hoga. Par un logan ne saara paisa hamein ko de diya."

Laloo says "Sasoor ka natee, Theek theek batawa. Tum unko ka bola tha?"

The driver replies "Hum kaha ki hum Laloo Yadav ka driver hoon aur hum sooar ka bachcha ko maar diya hoon."

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Bihar Driving License...
================================================================
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------------------------------------ -----------------------

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.


1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on y our lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

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At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."

And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND U sir?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

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Laloo,Jayalalitha,and karunanidhi are on a long flight in an Air Force plane. Laloo pulls out a 100 Rupee note and says, "I'm going to throw this Rs.100 note out and make someone down below happy."

Jayalalitha not wanting to be outdone says,

"If that was my 100 Rupee note,I would split it into two Rs.50 notes throw them down and make two people down below happy."

Of course karunanidhi doesn't want these two candidates to out do him so he pipes in,

" I would instead take one hundred Rs.1 notes and throw them out to
make 100 people just a little happier."

At this point the pilot who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore comes out and says,

"If I throw all three of you out of this plane and I'll make 100 crore people happy!"