Nationalty Jokes

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Texan's guide to life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Learn it by listening
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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Q: what do you call two indians in a station watgon going over a cliff?

A: a shame you could've fit three more in the back.

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Ten tips to recognize an Indian in USA:

1. She wears a frock, but has a pigtail
2. He searches for buttermilk in a supermarket
3. She searches for chilli powder in a supermarket
4. He talks a lot about the problems of living in India
5. She talks a lot about the unclean streets of India
6. He says the Indian politicians are the cause of underdevelopment
7. She says the Indian bureaucrats are the cause of inaction
8. He talks about the harassment at the airports in India
9. She talks about the cheapest air-fares to India
10. He and she jointly decide to go Macdonalds to eat french fries.

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Sardar and the race
Once, a Hindu, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane. Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled. They had no parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives and jump out of their planes.

First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a parachute and jumped. Using the turban he slowly floated down.

Then the Hindu removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as a parachute and he also floated down gently. Seeing this, the American removed his shirt and pant and jumped out.

Unfortunately, they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall rapidly from the plane to the ground. He passed by the Hindu who said - " May Bhagwan help you".

Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked at the American zooming past him and was puzzled. So he said - "I see! You want a race! Let us see who is faster" Saying so, he let go off his turban.

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Jesus
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder.

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Poetic Sardar
Once many people from around the world were invited at Queen Victoria's residence for lunch.

Many Indian Queens like Gunjan Tripathi and many of their slaves like adwitya were there.

AT the beginning of the lunch it was announced that every thing which is to be asked will be asked in a poetic way. There was a sardar also. A person sitting next to sardar said to his partner "Mr. Tibutboon, please pass the spoon".

Now the sardar wanted custard. He thought a lot for a simile for custard but couldn't find one. In the end he said to his partner "you basturd, pass the custard".

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Once upon a time one Indian, one Russien, one American, were travling in a aroplane for a world tour.

Suddenly American stick his hand out of the window his hand got black.

The American says "I am dame sure that this would be definetly my countey America b'coz I got my hand black because my country has very developement then any other country in the world.

After that Russien stick his hand out of the window his hand got freez.

He say's that I am dame sure that this is my country russia because only in russia the temperture was less then 0' Degree.

After that Indian stick his hand out of the window and suddenly shouts "Hey somebody stolen my watch".

"I am dame sure that this is india."

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An American will say, "Hot day!" A Canadian will say, "Hot day, eh?" meaning "It's a hot day, isn't it?"

This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted their independence. Canada never came to a similar point of self-assertion and that little word "eh?" is their refusal even to assert that it's a hot day without inviting somebody else to verify it.

One definition of a Candian is "a North American who refuses to join the revolution".

Another way to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American is to invite the suspected Canuck to lunch and watch him eat. If he's really upper crust, he'll eat like an Englishman, with knife and fork held firmly in his right and left hands. He'll cut with his knife, pack the results on the back of his fork and convey the food to his mouth with the fork still in this left hand.

Many an American eats with knife and fork, too, but in a different way. He takes the knife in his right hand and the fork in his left to cut up the food. Then he puts the knife down and takes the fork in the right hand to convey the food to his mouth.

A common garden-variety Canadian does the job differently. He doesn't use his knife at all, except for particularly stubborn steaks and other such tough foods. Instead he takes the fork in his right hand and leaves the knife beside his plate. Then he cuts the food with the edge of the fork and feeds himself with the fork held in the same hand.

But suppose all these tests are inconclusive. There's one more, rather dangerous, way to tell a Canadian from an American. Just remark to the suspect that Canadians and Americans are so much alike that it's hard to tell one from the other. If the person involved is an American, he'll probably agree.

But if he's a Canadian he'll let you know, in no unterms, that you're wrong. And that stubborn sense of difference is one main reason why the two countries, despite similarities, remain separate.

(I'm pretty sure I agree with the last statement, but I'm not too sure if I like being called a wimp that doesn't even dare to assert that it's a hot day. (Which it is today.) And I'm tremendously relieved to know that I'm upper crust when it comes to eating. -KO)

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How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)

How do you tell a Canadian from an American?

It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.

Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.

Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.

Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".

The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".

But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.

Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.