Nationalty Jokes

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The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

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The most dangerous organization in America today is:

a) The KKK

b) The American Nazi Party

c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club

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An Italian named Uncle Vito buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of, "WOW!" were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father, Uncle Vito, answered, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned and asks, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Italian father, Uncle Vito, takes a slow swig from his scotch on the rocks, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "We had his hair cut!"

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Penn. and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house.

He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from West Virginia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking.

He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility.

He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

Got to love Texas Women!

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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This particular joke won the award for the best joke in a competition

organized in Britain and it was sent by an Indian...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent,
and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and

insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What
does it tell you?"


Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Someone has stolen our tent".

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A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to Bhola's window.
"Good afternoon, sir."

"Good afternoon, any problems?"

"No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "Solid Driving Awareness Program", I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00."

Bhola lets out a big sigh of relief: "Oh good! Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license."

Awkward silence, then his wife sitting in the passenger seat goes, "Don't listen to him, officer. He always talks nonsense when he has been drinking."

His Grandma, who's a little hard of hearing, adds from the backseat, "Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car?"

At this time his trunk pops open and a head peeks out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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An American, an Italian and our own Bhola were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building...

They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going to jump off, too." Then Bhola opened his lunch and said, "Paratha and dhal again. If I get paratha and dhal one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps too. Then Bhola opens his lunch, sees paratha and dhal and jumps to his death also...

At the funeral.....
The American's wife is weeping...She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!
The Italian's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much."
Everyone turned and stared at Bhola's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He used to make his own lunch!"

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Scene: Trench warfare on border, Sikh regiment on one side.

Suddenly Kartar Singh gets a bright idea, shouts!

"Oye Abdul!"
Guy pops up from other trench "Kya hai be" BANG shot dead!

"Oye Karim"
2 guys stand up, "Kya hai saala" BANG BANG both khalaas

"Oye Shahid!"
2 more, BANG-BANG! dono saala khalaas!


The other side get worried, they think saala Sardarji log, when did they get so smart? Decide to try it themselves.

"Abe Gurdev Singh"
Silence!

"Oye Gurdev Singh!!"
Silence!

"O bhai, Gurdev Singh!"
"Oye Gurdev Singh ko kaun bula raha hai re?"

One person from other side gets up, "Main"
BANG!

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In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts.

The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship.The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts !".

Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds.the soldier did as he was told.when he came back from the water the German said "See the guts ".

Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man and asked him to take five similar rounds. The soldier promptly replied, "Am I your dad's servant?".
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".