Nationalty Jokes

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An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

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During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet
satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45
seconds Soviet counter-missiles
would be on their way. Recent studies commissioned by US department of
Defense
included one on nuclear war between India and Pakistan.

This was their scenario.................

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They
don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the
countdowns.
Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army
detects the Pak countdown and
decides to launch a missile in retribution.
But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their
request to the Indian
President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session.
The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the
opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely.
The President asks for a quick decision. In the mean time, the Pak
missile
failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a
relaunch
are still on.
Just then the
Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party
that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM
to
prove his majority
within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a
caretaker government is
installed.
The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear
missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can
not take such a decision
because elections are at hand. A Public Interest Litigation is filed in
the Supreme Court
alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.
The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM
is
authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the
nation.
Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367
miles away from the target, on its own government building at
11.00AM.
Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the
office
that early. In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached
somewhere in flight.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and
USA. The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a
nuclear
missile of its
own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties
agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission.
But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity","anti-nuclear" activists come
out against the Government's decision.
Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised.
In California and
Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning
the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as
possible".
On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles
deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing
over Rajasthan. Many
of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.
A missile (smuggled from USA)is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan
army is unable to understand its software, it hits it original
destination: Russia.
Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches
a
nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits the target and
creates
havoc. Pakistan cries for help.
India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million
dollars worth of
Parle-G biscuits.
Thus India never gets to launch the missile.
Pakistan never gets it right.

And we live happily ever after!!!!

CHAITRALI

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The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."

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How many Frenchmen does it take to change ...

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

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Q. Why are French streets tree-lined?

A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

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Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?

A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"

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A Mexican and an Octopus

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

I don't know but it could pick lettuce good.

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Why don't Mexicans BBQ?

Why don't Mexicans BBQ?

The beans fall through the little holes.

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A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.

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How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.