Red Neck!B by : Ripudaman Saini on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 273 How do you know if you are a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date
School PlayB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 304 School Play
A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
The Average EnglishmanB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 310 The Average Englishman
The average Englishman, in his home he calls his castle, puts on his national costume - A shabby Raincoat patented by Charles MacIntosh of Glasgow, Scotland.
He drives a car fitted with tyres invented by John Boyd Dunlop of Dreghorn, Scotland.
At the office he recieves his mail with adhearive stamps which, although they bear the queen of England's head, were invented by John Chambers of Dundee, Scotland.
During the day he uses the telephone, Invented by Alexander Graham Bell of Edinburgh, Scotland.
At home in the evening he watches his daughter ride her bicycle, invented by Kilpatrick MacMillan, A Blacksmith from Dumfries, Scotland.
He watches the news on television which was invented by John Logie Baird of Helensburough Scotland and hears an item about the U.S. Navy founded by John Paul Jones of Kirkbean, Scotland.
He has now been reminded too much of Scotland and in desperation picks up the Bible, only to find that the first man mentioned in the good book is a Scot - King James VI - who authourised it's translation.
No where can an Englishman turn to escape the ingenuity of the Scots, he could take to drink but the Scots make the finest in the world, he could take a rifle and end it all but the breech-loading rifle was invented by Captain Patrick Ferguson of Pitfours, Scotland.
If he escaped death, he could find himself on an operating table, being injected with Penicillin, discovered by Alexander Flemming of Darvel, Scotland, and given an aneasthetic, discovered by Sir James Young Simpson of Bathgate, Scotland.
Out of the aneasthetic he would find no comfort in learning that he was as safe as the Bank Of England which was founded by William Patterson of Dumfries, Scotland.
Perhaps his only hope would be to get a transfusion of good SCOTTISH blood
A Scotsman Loses His JacketB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 311 A Scotsman Loses His Jacket
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"
He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"
Double Glazing In ScotlandB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 270 Double glazing in Scotland
Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland in hope that the children cannot hear the icecream van when it comes round.
BagpipesB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 291 Bagpipes
Nowadays the Scots do not play bagpipes to frighten their enemies, they do it to annoy their neighbors.
An American, A Scot And A CanukB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 259 An American, a Scot and a Canuk
An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."
He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
A Scotsman Visited LondonB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 270 A Scotsman visited London
A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were friendly.
"At 4 o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
How Many Scotsmen Does It Take To Change A Light..B by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 261 How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no auw that dark!
A Scots PessimistB by : Ajit Hari Sahu on 03-Oct-2005 Views : 238 A Scots Pessimist
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
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