Nationalty Jokes

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Once a foreigner comes to Mumbai International Airport and takes a taxi.On the way seeing other cars he says that here cars move very slowly.In his country they move very fast. When his destination arrived he got down and checked the meter. He asked the driver how did the meter go so high?The driver replied that the reason for the meter to run so fast was that te meter was bought from the foreigner's country!!!

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You Might Be A Redneck...

You might be a redneck if you think all-star wrestling should be an Olympic sport!

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Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding
along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which goes between India and Pak.

In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful
vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and
our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.
It is completely dark.
Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.
When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani soldier is holding the
side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off. The old
matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier,
he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he
steals the kiss and I get slapped."

And Santa Singh is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the
tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Pakistani soldier."

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Ghat jokes ( A little knowledge of Marathi might help )
Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian in the U.S.?
A : Western Ghat.

Q : What does a Maharashtrian mean by "fast food"?
A : Sabudana Khichdi.

Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian who makes air-conditioners?
A : Cool-karni.

Q : What do you call a Maharashtrian whose father is missing?
A : Ba-gul.

Q : What would you call Urmila in the role of a monkey?
A : Urmila MakkadTondkar.

Q : Which is the highest office occupied by Maharashtrians in the U.S.A.?
A : That of the Vice-President - Dan Quayle(Kale) & Al Gore. :


Mumbai-ite jokes :-
Q : How come the Bombay Ranji team has so many fast bowlers?
A : West Indians are natural fast bowlers.

Q : How do dogs in Dombivli (place near Bombay) wag their tails?
A : Up & down. Because, they don't have enough space to wag sideways.

Q : What did one tamarind in a sack tell its neighbour?
A : "I feel as if I am travelling in a Bombay local". :


Bong jokes ( no knowledge of Bengali reqd ):- :
Q : How does the Bong learn the alphabet?
A : A for Orange, B for Bhegetable.... :

Q : How does a Bong relax in the evening?
A : He goes to the Howrah Breez to get some Brij. :

Q : What does the Bong do first in the morning?
A : After baking up from hees slip, he removes the bed-shit. :


Calcuttan jokes :-
Q : What does a Calcuttan who has a lot of time do? And what
does a hurrying Calcuttan do?
A : The one with a lot of time takes some public
transport(bus/tram). The Calcuttan in a hurry would walk.

Q : Why are Metro commuters like Dawood Ibrahim?
A : Because they are underground.


Delhi-ite jokes :-
Q : Red-line private buses are notorious for their recklessness
and hit rate. When a red-line bus is on the road, which is
the best place be in?
A : Inside the bus.

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*** Bengali Jokes:***

An outlawed Bengali?
Kanoon Banerjee.

An enlightened Bengali?
Jyoti Basu.

A stupid Bengali girl?
Balika Buddhu.

A Bengali marriage?
Bedding

A mad Bengali?
In Sen.

A dark Bengali who lives in a cave?
Kalidas Guha.

A Bengali mobster?
Robin Ganguli

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***Gujju Jokes:***

Why does the Gujju go to London?
To see his Big Bane.(Big Ben)

Why did the visitor to the Gujju home run away when he was offered tea?
Because the Gujju said he would serve snakes(snacks) with it.

What is a Gujju picnic called?
A snake in the grass.

Why did the American get scared of the Gujju?
Because he said 'Sue kare chhe.'(What are you doing)

What did the Gujju mean when he said," Maro dikro STATES ma gayon?"
His son failed in statistics.

Maro dikro Dubai gayo?
My son drowned.

Which programs do gujjus couples love to watch on tv? Be-watch (Baywatch, Be in gujju is 2)

What do you call a knee less gujju ?
Nilesh (Pronounced Nee-Less)

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*** Tamil Jokes:***

Whats the opposite of Gopalakrishnan?
Comepalakrishnan.

What is the opposite of Subramnium Swamy?
Subramanium Didn't See Me.

How do they start a road race in Tamil Nadu?
Ready....Steady.....PO

What do you call a really colourful Tamilian?
Rangamannar Rangarajan.

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Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

You Know You're In Alaska When...

. . .you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

. . .the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

. . .there is only one shopping plaza in town.

. . .the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

. . .the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.

. . .you find -60c a might chilly.

. . .the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.

. . .you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.

. . .you can play road hockey on ice skates.

. . .shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

. . .you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

You Know You're In Alaska When...

. . .when it warms up to -35 degrees(Fahrenheit) and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash you car.

. . .when you drive for a mile on square tires on a -65 morning before they eventually become normal.

. . .when you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.

. . .all of your relatives refer to you as that crazy person that lives up there.

. . .your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.

. . .freezing, 32 degrees(Fahrenheit), is warm enough to wash your car.

. . .you only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

. . .you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

. . .the mosquitoes have landing lights.

. . .you have more miles on you snowblower than your car.

. . .you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

. . .you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

. . .driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

. . .you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

. . .you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

. . .at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

. . .the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

. . .your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

. . .you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

. . .you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You Know You're In Alaska When...

. . .you take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.

. . .you know that the term "Break Up" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.

. . .your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.

. . .there is a bottle of Avon's Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.

. . .you don't know anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheeler.

. . .you have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.

. . .you have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.

. . .you have ever power washed your car by parking driver's side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)

. . .you have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.

. . .you know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it's not really full of honey. (If you don't know, don't ask)

. . .you know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device.

. . .you know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.

. . .you travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.

. . .you learned to swim indoors.

. . .you leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.

. . .your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.

. . .you had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.

. . .your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.

. . .you know that a "handi-man-jack" is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems.

. . .you know a "white out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos.

Living in Paradise

Jan. 10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white stuff last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan. 15 -2 degrees outside. More blasted snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.

Jan.16 Darn blasted white snow keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the jerk that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan.17 Six darn more inches of blasted snow and sleet and ice and God knows what other kind of white crap fell last night. I wounded the snowplow jerk with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -62 degrees. I'm moving back to Albuquerque.

You Know You're In Alaska When...

. . .when you're outside at -40 below , shoveling snow in your shorts , well you know it's a hassle putting on all those cloths for just 10 minutes.

. . .when your friend calls you up and says "Hey, I have some furniture for sale. Is there enough room in your igloo for it?"

. . .you are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think, "Boy, I'd sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit."

. . .you can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.

. . .you have called an 800 number you found in a catalog and then were told "Alaska? Oh, we don't ship out of the United States." (Try saying "North Pole", most places usually laugh for a solid minute, or they just hang up thinking you're some kind of prankster.)

. . .you put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund Dividend checks come out in October.

. . .you know going "outside" involves a whole lot more than opening a door and walking into the yard.

. . .you have ever worn a tie with waders.

. . .you have learned to never say to your kids, "Be home by dark."

. . .you know Bunny Boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.

. . .you know the meaning of the word "baleen" and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes.

. . .you think it's normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road.

. . .there are only three seasons: winter, breakup, summer.

. . .your local golf course has "happy hour" between 1:00 and 2:00 am

. . .the seat in your outhouse is lined with styrofoam so your butt won't freeze to it when you have to sit down for a amount of time.

. . .when you have to set your alarm every three hours to go start you car and let it run for 20 min. so hopefully it will start in the morning so you can go to work.

. . .when you leave the water running in the sink so your pipes won't freeze and you can't sleep because all you can hear is the water running.

. . .Instead of plugging in your freezer you just move it to the front porch!

. . .You open your freezer to take out something for dinner, and are faced with many choices, Pink Salmon, Silver Salmon, Red Salmon, King Salmon, Smoked Salmon, or Halibut!

. . .You go to shop for a second vehicle and come home with a snowmobile!

. . .you're buying a house & you have to ask for water & electricity as an option.

Alaska's More Important Laws

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.

In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

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Alabama Jokes
State Slogan: Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alabama Dumb Laws

# It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

# Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

# It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

# Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

# Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

# Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

# It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

# You must have windshield wipers on your car.

# You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

# Masks may not be worn in public.

# Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

# You may not drive barefooted.

# It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

# It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

# Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Anniston
# You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper
# It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County
# It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile
# It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery
# It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Birmingham, Alabama burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 and I-10

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry on over here. My house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Say, don't you still have them big red trucks?"

Q: Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

Are ya Chicken?
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.

The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?"

The guy says, "Nah."

To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"

The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

Elevator
A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.

While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.

The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.

The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!

Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!"

Kindergarten
Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!"

His Paw replied "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"

The next day he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!"

His Paw replied, "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"

The next day, he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that's cuz Ah'm from Bama, huh Paw?"

His Paw replied, "No son, that's cuz yer 17 years old."

Rabid Dog
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly.

A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!"

The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!"

The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"

Question ans answer
Q. Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco
A. To Tuscaloosa...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!

Q. What's the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles

A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I'd like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes." The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, "You must be an Alabama fan!" The man proclaims with pride, "How could you tell, was it the color scheme!" The clerk looks at him and says "No, this is a hardware store."

Q. What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
A. Would you like fries with that?

Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.

Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.

Q. What do you call a genius at Alabama?
A. Visitor.

Q. Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
A. One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!

Q. What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
A. Don't let the door knob hit you in the head!

It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University's response was "Why do we need another phone company?"

Shug's House
After Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, coach," God says happily."Most people don't get their own houses up here."

Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Auburn flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Auburn banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God," Bear says. "But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Shug gets a mansion with Auburn banners and AU flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, "Bear, that's not Shug's house. That's mine."

Quarters!
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.

The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?"

To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!"

Question and Answer
Q. Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
A. 3 dollars a year for a million years.

Q. What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A. Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

Q. Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A. Nobody admitted 17 and under.

Q. What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.

Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.

The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.

"No," he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"

"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

Q. Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
A. Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!

No Driver
Several years ago the city of Birmingham decided to lease several English style double decker buses to transport the Auburn and Alabama fans to the Iron bowl. On this bus, the Auburn fans were on the bottom level and the Alabama fans were on the top deck. as we started off to the stadium, all of the Auburn fans were making a lot of noise yelling "War Eagle" and having a good time. We noticed that the Alabama fans were quiet. Not a sound was coming from the upper deck.

I decided to go up top and see what was wrong. As I arrived up top , I noticed that all of the Alabama fans had their hands clasped on the rail in front of them and they all were white as a sheet. I was stunned. I asked them why they all were so frightened?

They replied with fear in their eyes, "WE DON'T HAVE A DRIVER."

Question and Answer
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!

Q. How did the Alabama student die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!

Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!

Q. Did you hear about the Alabama quarterback who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
A. He missed!

Mom: Only 2 more minutes until 1998.
Dad: I'm going to bed.
Son: But Dad, you're going to miss the ball drop....
Dad: Hey Son, I've seen it plenty of times..I'm an Alabama fan you know!!

Q. What is the one thing that keeps so many Alabama football players from graduating?
A. CLASSWORK!

Q. Did you hear about the Alabama fan who froze to death?
A. He went to the drive in...He sat through "Closed for the season"!!

Q. How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!

Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, "I'm cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights."

Q. What's the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

Stupid Rednecks!
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.

Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him "When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the dang radio to work."

The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.

He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds.

Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. "Stupid rednecks!" he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!"

You're probably an Auburn fan if ...
... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.

... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.

... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, "What's that smell?"

... You're a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.

... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.

... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.

... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!

... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.

... Your kids go to a private school and they won't tell you where it is.

... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin' contests.

Length vs. Height
Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top.

An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground.

The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out " We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot"

Question ans answer
Q. What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Alabama fans?
A. The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.

Two Auburn fans are walking in the woods. One says, "Look! A dead bird."
The other one looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"

Q. Do you know the difference between an Auburn fan getting run over by a car and an Alabama fan?
A. There are skid marks in front of the Bama fan!!

Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along a railroad track.
One says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!"
The other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"

Q. What's a seven course meal at Auburn?
A. A possum and a six-pack.

Q. Do you know why Terry Bowden was fired?
A. He was too short to step down.

An Alabama offensive lineman who doesn't hold, a humble Florida Gator, and Santa Claus all checked into the same hotel. As they entered the elevator, they spotted a $50 bill on the floor. Who ended up with the money and why?
Answer: Santa Claus - the other two aren't real!

Q. What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
A. Please open other end.

This year's Auburn team is so sorry they have to buy a house just to get a yard.

Q. How do you keep an Auburn football player out of your yard?
A. Put a goal post in it.

Q. How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but it takes a roomfull to sit around and talk about how the BEAR would have done it.

Doughnut Seeds
An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.

The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.

The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face.

The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"

Can't Get Out!
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.

As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"

Brains
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled "New York Football Player Brains" , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.

The clerk replies, "Well, we've got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Alabama football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce."

The man says, "Why the big difference in price?"

The clerk answers,"Do you know how many Alabama football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!"

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Texan's guide to life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.