Professional Jokes

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Son: Dad, gajab ho gaya, bhai darwaja nahi khol raha.

Dad: kal uski suhagraat thi.

Son: Kal raat ko bhai ne cold cream mangi thi maine fevicol de diya bhul se

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"Hello, my name is ( ) with Trusty Security Systems.

May I speak with the male or female head of household?

"We provide individuals and businesses with a nationally oriented security protection and provision plan.

"Do you or any members of the household work for a bank or a credit card company?
"You work for a bank? Could you provide us with the name?

"Do you work in any capacity of security there? By that I mean Do you have access to security devices, departments, vaults or security areas?

"Do you as an employee of the bank have numbers or parts of numbers to combinations?

"What hours do you work there? "What route to you take to your place of employment? (refused)

How many members are in your household?

Are there times when all of them are gone?

How many members of household are under 18?....(silence)...."This is only for demographic purposes....." Do they easily talk to strangers? Could you please spell their first names?

What time frame usually occurs when the house is left vacant?

Could I have the correct street address? City? State?

".....Well, we have representatives in many localities throughout the country that can provide a house call in the event it is convenient....."

Do you provide security protection in the way of alarms on your home? What type? How many doors and/or windows? Do you have smoke detectors? (smokescreen question)...Motion detectors? Magnetic switches? What brand of alarm system do you have? Are you connected to the local police by phone lines?

"Do you or any members of the family have any credit or debit cards? Which ones do you have?

Do you carry them with you?

What is the current balance of each one? May we please have
1-The account number, and
2-Pin number(s)? (pause....long silence)

"....Well, we want to provide a service to you in the way of security and protection. In the event you....
a-misplace, b-lose or c-forget your pin number(s). We want to be available as a public service to you, and a data bank resource center.

"It is a brilliant concept the owner of our company developed......"

"His name? We are not in a position to give out that information for obvious reasons."

"Available? No he isn't available. In fact he took an extended vacation....well, he was obligated to take an extended vacation....well, the plans were for him to spend it on an island, however the island is now uninhabited. (Alcatraz)

You may have even heard of him on the evening news - there was quite a review about his aspirations"
...be back?" Around 50 years.

"However we provide the utmost in protection, security and reliability.

All information is strictly confidential. Yes that's right....strictly confidential.....No not necessarily....it means the information we RECEIVE is strictly confidential...."

"Security? Confidentiality?"

"Well, yes....our security is always constantly being improved upon. In fact, we just tied up another "loose end" recently. We are constantly improving on our screening process about employees and sensitive data accessibility.

"In any case....may we please.....hello?.....hello?.........(click)

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A TEACHER TEACHING IN A CLASS.
DOGS ARE BARKING OUTSIDE.
HE COULD NOT TEACH.
HE SAT ON THE CHAIR AND SOON THE DOGS STOPPED BARKING.

STUDENTS ALL AT ONCE:"SIR,tHEY sTOPPED,yOU START"

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

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Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt me, doctor?

Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

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20 executives board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature pilot less technology.

It is an un-crewed aircraft. Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies:
"If it's the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

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A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"! It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

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A judge irritated by a lawyer's behaviour, admonished him,
"You are crossing the limits."

"Kaun Saala aisa kehta hai," roared the lawyer.

"How dare you call me saala ? I'll have you charged for
'contempt of court'," said the judge angrily.

"My lord misunderstood me," replied the lawyer coolly, "I do not call you saala, all I said was kaun sa law aisa kehta hai...

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Boss: I told u to tear the newspaper into small pieces..
Servant: Yes boss.. (after tearing the newspaper into small
pieces boss said to the servant)
Boss: Join them n make it as it was. I\'ll come home in the
evening to read it............

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Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem.
We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"