Professional Jokes

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his lawyer neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

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Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.

The two social workers turned and walked away.

One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."

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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

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A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.

"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.

"10.." says the doctor.

"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.

"10...9...8...7..."

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A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone :
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?"

"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT ?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

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Dialog between computer hardware engineer & manager,
Engineer : Sir, you cannot use this printer right now because I don't have driver for it.
Manager : Oh my driver is idle sitting in car. you can use him

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A Priest, a Doctor and a Software Engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says " My sons I am really very sorry but the heaven is full and I can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful
person one by one tell me what u have done in ur lifetime."

The priest goes up first and says" well god I am a priest I am ur humble servant and have spent all my life working to
spread ur message."

The doctor goes up next and says " well I am a doctor and I have helped thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives."

The Software Engineer goes up and says " well I have spend my full life to Develop,Design,Test the software " AND
before the Software Engineer could say any further the heavens gate open and god comes out and says to the Software Engineer & Say "no more son" come with me coz u have already been through hell."

Moral of the story: Software Engineer always land up in heaven cause their mortal life is hell. so all us do anything, our place in heaven is fixed

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Biologist, a statistician and a mathematician are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic ! There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !"

The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."

The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."

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A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

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My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.