Professional Jokes

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Does Management know their Staff ?

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him,"How much do you earn?" The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?" Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and
removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months'salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers,the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company". He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the
young man that I just fired ?" To which an amazing reply came, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

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A man, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

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Suddenly one of the employees in an organisation took 10
days Leave without any notice. When he returned his PL(project leader) asked
for explanation.. The employee said "sir, my mom died unexpectedly"... The
PL let it go at that!!!..
After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the
said his father died.... Then the PL got changed..
After 3 months the same pattern repeated.. And the employee gave. The
explanation that his mom died. After 3 months same thing again, and this
time his father died. This happened repeatedly for 2 years.
At the end, one PL checked his past records and told him, "I have caught you
red handed, How come in the past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and
your dad has died five times?"

To which the guy said, "Sir, My mom died and my father
remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried.. Then my
mom died and the new father remarried.. This has been going on and
on and on and ...

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Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action as recorded by engineers.)
***************************
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

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An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called up to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

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Normal people .... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.