Travel And Nature Jokes

Email |  Post Comments

Cab joke

A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour.

"Can you think of anything worse," mumbled the visitor, "than raining cats and dogs in New York?"

"Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"

Email |  Post Comments

Come starboard

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.

He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the
mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circum- stance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

Email |  Post Comments

Staten Island Ferry

This guy loved Staten Island, but wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted street of lower Manhattan. One day when he spotted the ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't put up with an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised, but safe on deck.

He got up and brushed himself off, and proudly announced to a bystander. "Well, I made that one didn't I?" "Sure did," came the reply. "But if you had waited for a minute or two, the ferry would have been docked."

Email |  Post Comments

A Stone's Throw

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Email |  Post Comments

Washington, D. C.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Email |  Post Comments

Hi-Tech Watch

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.

The guy replies "Sure, which country?"

The fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."

The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his check book fast enough to hand over a check for $900.

The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, "And here are the batteries."

Email |  Post Comments

Ole and Sven taking a vacation

Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.

Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?

Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!

Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!

Email |  Post Comments

Actual stories provided by travel agents:

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.


2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"


3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response was "click."


4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."


5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

He said, "But they look so close on the map."


6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save
time."


7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!


8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked
into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.


10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted,"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Email |  Post Comments

Travel Agent Terms

Old world charm ......... Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.

Tropical ........................ Rainy.

Majestic setting ....... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.

Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the price.

Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.

Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.

Explore on your own .....At your own expense.

Minutes From ???...........By Plane

Romantic ...................... No Phone in room

Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before.

No extra fees .............. No extras available.

Bird Watchers Paradise...... Your car's paint will never be the same

Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge.

Standard ..................... Sub-standard.

Deluxe ........................ Barely Standard.

Superior accommodations... One complimentary chocolate,
free shower cap.
All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just Like Home............. No Maid service.
Plush ................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley.
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning.
Picturesque ................ Theme park nearby.
24-hour bar .....Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

Email |  Post Comments

Hiker's Comments

A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers:

Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread. If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

Too many rocks in the mountains.